Bar Jokes

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the bartender. "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?" "We'll See," says the bartender. So the man pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender, "but I'll need to see more." "Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River." A patron jups up from his table and shouts "Thats's absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog." "Sold," says the man. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune." "Not really," says the man. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist." --- A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "A shot of whiskey, and have one for yourself!" The bartender, happy to oblige, pours two shots of whiskey and the two men each down one. "That'll be seven-fifty," says the bartender. "I haven't got a cent on me," grins the abortive customer. So the bartender beats the living daylights out of him and throws him out of the bar. Two days later, the same guy walks in, and says to the bartender, "A shot of whiskey, and have one for yourself!" Now, the bartender assumes that no man'd want TWO such beatings, so he pours the two shots. "That'll be seven-fifty," he says. "I haven't got a cent on me," says the customer again. So the bartender smacks the living daylights out of him and throws him out of the bar. Two days later, in limps the exact same guy. "A shot of whiskey, please." The bartender, angry but curious, asks, "Aren't you going to buy ME one?" "I certainly am not," exclaims the patron, "you get violent when you drink!" ---

Blonde Jokes

1. Q: What do you call a blonde in a black wig? A: Artificial intelligence. 2. Q: Why shouldn't blondes be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. 3. Q How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? A: There's white-out on the screen. 4. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring. 5. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W's. 6. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket shopping cart? A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own. 7. Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter". 8. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello? A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages. 9. Q: What did the blonde say when the physicist tried to explain nuclear fission to her? A: "What do you use for bait?" 10. Q: What does Star Trek's "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? A: "Space. The final frontier......" 11. Q: How can you tell when a FAX has been sent by a blonde? A: There's a picture of a stamp on it. --- Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter. ---

Funny Letters

->Paleoanthropology Division -> Smithsonian Institute -> 207 Pennsylvania Avenue -> Washington, DC 20078 -> -> Dear Sir: -> -> Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled -> "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." -> We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, -> and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it -> represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in -> Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that -> what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety -> one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the -> "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of -> thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite -> certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in -> the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. -> However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes -> of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern -> origin: -> -> 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains -> are typically fossilized bone. -> -> 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 -> cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest -> identified proto-hominids. -> -> 3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more -> consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the -> "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the -> wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one -> of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your -> history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh -> rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, -> let us say that: -> -> A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll -> that a dog has chewed on. -> -> B. Clams don't have teeth. -> -> It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your -> request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due -> to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and -> partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of -> recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie -> dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely -> to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny -> your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's -> Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen -> the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking -> personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of -> your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the -> species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound -> like it might be Latin. -> -> However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this -> fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a -> hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example -> of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so -> effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a -> special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens -> you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire -> staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your -> digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We -> eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you -> proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the -> Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing -> you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating -> fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes -> the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently -> discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears -> Craftsman automotive crescent wrench. -> Yours in Science, -> -> -> Harvey Rowe -> Curator, Antiquities ---


Fun Things to Do in an Elevator 1. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." 2. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 3. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall. Don't get off. 4. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 5. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 6. Do Tai Chi exercises. 7. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" 8. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. 9. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. 10. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 11. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. 12. Shadow box. 13. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. 14. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 15. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 16. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." 17. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. --- Funny Ways to Order a Pizza 1. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. 2. Use CB lingo where applicable. 3. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. 4. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation." 5. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder. 6. When they ask what type of pizza you want, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up. 7. Answer their questions with questions. 8. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out. 9. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings. 10. Change your accent every few seconds. 11. Start your order with "I'd like...". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't." 12. If they repeat the orderto make sure they have it right, say "OK.That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window." 13. Try to rent the pizza. 14. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. 15. Imitate the order taker'svoice. 16. Say it's your anniversaryand you'd appreciate if the deliverer hide behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her. 17. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza. 18. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay. 19. If the order taker suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words." 20. Ask if the pizza is organically grown. 21. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry." 22. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. 23. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it. 24. When the order taker says "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out,won't we?" 25. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If the order taker says it, say "Please don't mention that word." --- Memorable Interviews Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees: 1. A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. 2. Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. 3. Candidate fell and broke arm during interview. 4. Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office. 5. Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer. 6. Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico. 7. Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. 8. Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions. 9. Candidate brought large dog to interview. 10. Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up. 11. Candidate dozed off during interview. The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates: 1. "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?" 2. "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?" 3. "Why do you want references?" 4. "Do I have to dress for the next interview?" 5. "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?" 6. "Does your health insurance cover pets?" 7. "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?" 8. "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?" 9. "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?" 10. "Why am I here?" Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process: 1. I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington. 2. I get excited very easily. 3. I am fascinated by fire. 4. People are always watching me. 5. I never get hungry. 6. I know who is responsible for most of my troubles 7. If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival. 8. I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me. 9. My legs are really hairy. ---

Religious Jokes

The Pope has just finished a tour of the Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, he asks the chauffeur if he can drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur doesn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the red & blue lights of CHP in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, need to call in." The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how should he handle it. "It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" asks the chief. "No Sir!" replies the trooper, "This guy's more important." "Is it the Governor?" asks the chief. "No! Even more important!" replies the trooper. "Is it the PRESIDENT??? asks the chief. "No! Even more important!" replies the trooper. "Well WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the chief. "I don't know Sir." replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur." ---

Miscellaneous Jokes

The operator replied, "I'm sorry. Mr Spenser is deceased. Can anyone else help you?" The man said no and hung up. Ten minutes later he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his broker. The operator said, "You just called a few minutes ago, didn't you? Mr. Spenser has died. I'm not making this up." The man again hung up. Fifteen minutes later he called a third time and asked for Mr. Spenser. The operator was irked by this time. "I've told you twice already, Mr. Spenser is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say he's dead?" The man replied, "I just like hearing it." --- A British pilot was shot down while on a bombing mission over Germany during World War II. He sustained terrible injuries when he crash landed, but was pulled unconscious from his plane and taken to a German military hospital to recover. When he regained consciousness a few days later, a kindly German doctor was at his bedside. "Major," said the doctor, "the injuries that you received when your plane crashed are most severe. Both of your legs and both of your arms have extensive damage. In fact, your right leg has been crushed so badly, we will have to amputate it immediately. I realize how terrible this must make you feel. I am a doctor first, and a German second. If I can do anything to comfort you, please don't hesitate to ask." "Well Doctor," replied the pilot, "there is something that you can do for me. Can you give my amputated leg to the Luftwaffe and ask them to drop it over England during their next bombing mission? I sure would feel better if my leg wound up in good old England." "I see no problem with that," said the doctor. "Consider it done." So after the operation, the doctor gave the amputated leg to a German officer with instructions to drop it over England. Two days later the doctor had to give the pilot some more bad news. "I'm afraid that gangrene has set in on your left leg, and it, too, must be amputated." said the doctor. "I am sorry! Any questions?" "Yes," the pilot replied. "Could you drop that leg over England also?" "Yes," said the doctor, and after the operation, he gave the Brit's leg to the same German officer and asked him to dispose of it as before. One week later, the doctor had still more bad news for the Major. "We have done everything in our power to save your two arms," said the doctor, "but I'm afraid that gangrene has set in on both of them and we must amputate immediately. Can I assume that ..." "Yes," interrupted the pilot, "if you would be so kind, old boy, please see that both of my arms are dropped over good old England." The doctor promised to take care of his request and he again asked the German officer to drop the amputated limbs over England. This time, however, the officer became perturbed and insisted on speaking with the British pilot. "So," said the German officer, "you are the pilot who wanted his right leg dropped over England?" "Yes," replied the pilot, "that is jolly well correct." "Hmmmm. And then you wanted your left leg dropped over England?" "Yes," replied the pilot, "that is correct as well." "And now you say you want both of your arms dropped over England?" "Correct again," replied the pilot. "Hmmmm, very interesting," mused the suspicious German officer. "Tell me something. You're not trying to escape, are you?" --- A customer asked a new clerk in a supermarket if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, the clerk excused himself to ask the manager. "Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit--" he began, and suddenly realized that the customer had entered the office behind him--"and this lovely lady would like to buy the other half." The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably resolved the problem and they later started chatting. "Where are you from?" asked the store manager. "Lancaster, Pennsylvania," replied the clerk, "Home of ugly women and great hockey teams." "Oh? My wife is from Lancaster!" challenged the manager. Without skipping a beat, the clerk asked, "What team was she on?" --- A large commercial plane is cruising along when suddenly the passengers hear a loud explosion coming from the area of one of the wings. Several passenger with a window seat on that side begin screaming that an engine has exploded. The captain's comes on the intercom and says in a very calm voice, "Well, folks, we've had a little excitement, but it's nothing to worry about. We lost one of our engines, but we can fly just fine without it. Please remain calm, there's nothing to worry about." The passengers are greatly calmed by this and begin to settle back down to their normal activities. A few minutes later, another loud explosion is heard coming from the other side of the plane, followed only moments later by another. The passengers seated on that side of the plane cry out that two engines on that side have just exploded. At that moment, it becomes quite obvious that the plane is rapidly losing altitude. Once again, the pilot's voice comes over the intercom. In calm tones he announces, "Well, we're certainly having our share of bad luck today, but once again, please remain calm. Everything is perfectly all right. Your flight crew has the situation completely under control." This seems to soothe the passengers a bit. However, a moment later three men emerge from the cockpit and begin putting parachutes on their backs and handing them out to the flight attendants. One of the passengers cries out in a panic stricken voice, "You said everything was under control! Why are you putting on parachutes?!?" The pilot replies, "Everything IS allright. We're going for help." ----- Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you." --- Did you hear about the dyslexic Satan worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa. --- What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.